Balancing the Yearning for Casual Encounters While Pursuing a Meaningful Relationship

Being a homosexual male approaching 50, I’ve spent numerous, largely enjoyable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I had a serious relationship that lasted a significant period, but it never fully satisfied me, because I didn't experience love or sexually nourished. The fact is that my constant desire has been for casual sex. Whenever I start seeing a potential partner, once the newness dwindles, an impulse arises to be intimate with other men again.

Questioning the Feasibility of Monogamy

Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to maintain a faithful partnership. I understand that numerous homosexual males engage in open relationships, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed like hard work, often resulting in lots of pain and jealousy among all parties. To a large extent, I want another man to love me while letting me pursue other intimacies, but I dread to imagine the emotional drain this might create. Should I just continue to have casual sex and accept that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I feel a bit lost.

Every person’s sexual journey varies. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your capacity to tolerate various forms of sexual unions as fixed. Your needs in your current state may well change in the future; eventually you might become less ambivalent and discover greater understanding and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. At some point you might meet a person offering a transformative opportunity for you through mirroring what you want in a holistic fashion … and at another point you may choose that casual connections suit you best. Worrying about the future and engaging in endless speculation is merely anxiety-based and a waste of your efforts. Aim to stay present with your partners, and see the worth of every individual with whom you might have an intimate bond. When and if the time is right to strengthen true intimacy with one partner, it will be clear.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a American psychotherapist focusing on addressing intimacy issues.