These Words given by A Parent That Helped Us during my time as a First-Time Dad

"I believe I was simply just surviving for twelve months."

One-time Made In Chelsea star Ryan Libbey expected to manage the demands of being a father.

Yet the actual experience soon proved to be "very different" to his expectations.

Life-threatening health issues around the birth resulted in his partner Louise hospitalised. All of a sudden he was thrust into becoming her main carer while also looking after their newborn son Leo.

"I handled every night time, every nappy change… every stroll. The job of mother and father," Ryan explained.

Following 11 months he burnt out. That was when a conversation with his parent, on a bench in the park, that led him to understand he required support.

The direct phrases "You are not in a good spot. You require assistance. What can I do to support you?" opened the door for Ryan to talk openly, seek support and regain his footing.

His situation is far from unique, but rarely discussed. While people is now better used to discussing the stress on moms and about PND, not enough is spoken about the challenges new fathers go through.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to request support'

Ryan believes his difficulties are linked to a wider failure to open up between men, who still internalise harmful ideas of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the harbour wall that just takes the pounding and doesn't fall time and again."

"It's not a show of failure to request help. I was too slow to do that fast enough," he adds.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher focusing on mental health pre and post childbirth, notes men frequently refuse to acknowledge they're finding things difficult.

They can think they are "not justified to be requesting help" - most notably ahead of a new mother and infant - but she stresses their mental well-being is just as important to the unit.

Ryan's conversation with his dad gave him the space to request a break - spending a couple of days overseas, outside of the family home, to get a fresh outlook.

He realised he required a shift to pay attention to his and his partner's emotional states alongside the logistical chores of looking after a new baby.

When he opened up to Louise, he realised he'd missed "what she needed" -holding her hand and listening to her.

Self-parenting

That realisation has transformed how Ryan views fatherhood.

He's now writing Leo letters each week about his journey as a dad, which he aspires his son will see as he matures.

Ryan hopes these will enable his son to better grasp the language of feelings and interpret his parenting choices.

The notion of "parenting yourself" is something musician Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four.

During his childhood Stephen did not have consistent male guidance. Despite having an "wonderful" bond with his dad, profound emotional pain resulted in his father struggled to cope and was "present intermittently" of his life, affecting their relationship.

Stephen says bottling up emotions caused him to make "bad choices" when in his youth to modify how he felt, seeking comfort in alcohol and substances as escapism from the pain.

"You turn to things that aren't helpful," he notes. "They might short-term modify how you feel, but they will eventually exacerbate the problem."

Tips for Managing as a New Father

• Open up to someone - if you're feeling overwhelmed, tell a friend, your other half or a therapist what you're going through. It can help to lighten the load and make you feel less alone.
• Keep up your interests - keep doing the pursuits that made you feel like you before having a baby. This might be exercising, meeting up with mates or playing video games.
• Look after the physical stuff - a good diet, getting some exercise and when you can, getting some sleep, all contribute in how your mental state is faring.
• Connect with other first-time fathers - listening to their experiences, the difficult parts, along with the joys, can help to validate how you're experiencing things.
• Understand that asking for help does not mean you've failed - taking care of yourself is the best way you can support your household.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen expectedly had difficulty processing the loss, having been out of touch with him for a long time.

Now being a father himself, Stephen's determined not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his boy and instead give the stability and emotional guidance he missed out on.

When his son threatens to have a meltdown, for example, they do "shaking the feelings out" together - expressing the feelings in a healthy way.

Both Ryan and Stephen say they have become better, healthier men because they faced their issues, changed how they communicate, and taught themselves to control themselves for their sons.

"I have improved at… processing things and dealing with things," states Stephen.

"I expressed that in a note to Leo the other week," Ryan adds. "I wrote, sometimes I think my job is to guide and direct you how to behave, but actually, it's a two-way conversation. I'm learning just as much as you are in this journey."